To You,
I really do not know how to say this. I loved you. And I still do. Even if you want to pretend I don't exist, please just talk to me. I can still survive, just, if you respect what we could have had and show me your grace and care which made me fall in love with you in the first place.
But you don't know I love you. You don't care about me. You don't give a damn. You just ignore me. I am special, and not in the good way, I know. But the mere fact I am writing this shows that I do care and don't care whether you like it or not. I dream.
In fact, I had a dream recently. That was when I thought I had got over you. I had managed not to think about you for days and I felt happier with myself. But then you appeared in the only place you would. In my dreams. And that is where you and I will stay. Where they will never exist. This dream made me fall head-over-heels in love again. I knew that I never had got my heart back.
So that is why, Yellow Jane, I know you never will get your heart back when you give it away. I gave my heart and what I didn't have, and now I can't cope that he hasn't given me his in return. I want it back. But I know I will not ever get it. You are cute, gorgeous, witty and popular. I am me. And that is why it will never work.
I can't go on kidding myself. I am going mad. The only thing that is escaping my chasm of madness are the tears. They run away from me too. Just like everyone else. No-one can stay with me. They think I am some crazy idiot that talks rubbish. I am not crazy. I am confused and trying to take it all in. I am not coping. And I don't know what to do.
I want help. I want you. Please help me. You don't want me. But I want me. Whatever anyone says, I am still me. I am proud of myself, but I am no longer whole. I want it back. So please give it back to its rightful owner. You will never use it. So why not give it to someone who can?
Never and forever yours,
Phoenix
x
P.S. I know you will not read this. If you do, you won't know it's for you. But I want to tell you after all these years. I am beyond caring. So before I delve deeper into madness, I need you to pull me out.
Thursday, 28 April 2011
Sunday, 20 March 2011
It isn't just me
Finally, something that I am passionate about that other people are also passionate about. I have started collecting money for the Comic Relief in two years time. I will only put money in the tin, and the only time it goes out will be when I donate it at the next Comic Relief. I am quite proud of myself. I have steered away from saving up my spare money to buy a laptop or Wii game etc, and instead want to use it to change someone's life.
Then I move onto the raising money part. I have no clue how to raise it, myself being quite a shy person. I was thinking of temporarily dying my hair, in the holidays naturally, to get money, but who would pay to not see that? Most people only do a sponsered silence for a day. I was thinking of doing the full Monty and going for a week. Now that will be fun. Especially during school. And on the phone.
So what can I do to help? This is always what annoys me; I'm not old enough. I want to go out to Africa and meet and help some people there. I want to help a person that has injured themselves in the street, rather than have to walk by, not knowing what to do. I have done about seven first aid courses, but they are rather boring, and never prepare you for the full impact of actually witnessing an injured person. It's all "Elevate the limb" and "Reassure the casualty". How do you reassure the 'casualty'? What if they have numerous injuries? What if they have spinal damage? Do I really put them in the recovery position? And they aren't a casualty. They are a human being, still human, just injured. They don't want a very focused person that tells them nothing and gives them little reassurance. They want you to be human too.
Why not give part of the course on handling with their emotions? That's why I loved one of the courses. True, it did take me a year-and-a-half of weekly sessions, but I learnt loads. Plus I learned how to reassure them. Slightly anyways.
Back to age. They don't want me helping them. They would just take one look at me and go "What do you know, huh?". I want to help. I need to help for my own good. I HATE having to force myself to walk on because I can't help. Please, just accept that. I do want to help. My heart wants to help too. But my brain can't. And unfortunately, my brain controls this whole operation. What it says, I do. Sorry.
Then I move onto the raising money part. I have no clue how to raise it, myself being quite a shy person. I was thinking of temporarily dying my hair, in the holidays naturally, to get money, but who would pay to not see that? Most people only do a sponsered silence for a day. I was thinking of doing the full Monty and going for a week. Now that will be fun. Especially during school. And on the phone.
So what can I do to help? This is always what annoys me; I'm not old enough. I want to go out to Africa and meet and help some people there. I want to help a person that has injured themselves in the street, rather than have to walk by, not knowing what to do. I have done about seven first aid courses, but they are rather boring, and never prepare you for the full impact of actually witnessing an injured person. It's all "Elevate the limb" and "Reassure the casualty". How do you reassure the 'casualty'? What if they have numerous injuries? What if they have spinal damage? Do I really put them in the recovery position? And they aren't a casualty. They are a human being, still human, just injured. They don't want a very focused person that tells them nothing and gives them little reassurance. They want you to be human too.
Why not give part of the course on handling with their emotions? That's why I loved one of the courses. True, it did take me a year-and-a-half of weekly sessions, but I learnt loads. Plus I learned how to reassure them. Slightly anyways.
Back to age. They don't want me helping them. They would just take one look at me and go "What do you know, huh?". I want to help. I need to help for my own good. I HATE having to force myself to walk on because I can't help. Please, just accept that. I do want to help. My heart wants to help too. But my brain can't. And unfortunately, my brain controls this whole operation. What it says, I do. Sorry.
Thursday, 24 February 2011
I Just Lost Myself
It's OK, I do it a lot. I don't lose myself in stupid soaps or games, I lose myself in my one true passion and escape- music. Music is my world, my life and my way out. If the day gets tough and I am at home, I sit down at my keyboard (with my headphones in) and play until I think I might never find myself again. I don't sit and play Mozart or Linkin Park (but I do occasionally play a tiny bit of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata), I play what I feel passionate about. I do have piano lessons, but I would never really play those pieces out of choice. I play Doctor Who, Twilight, Take That and attempt to play songs I love by ear.
This brings me onto the music I love and listen to. Going past the stereotypical screaming teenage fan-girl at a concert, I must say I hate concerts. I went to one in 2009 and after feeling I was about to be deafened, I sat outside and listened from there. People of my age around me talk of Justin Beiber, the Jonas Brothers and Tinie Tempah. I'm not even going to bother with spelling. I admire people that write and sing their own songs. And that's why I like Eliza Doolittle. My cousin introduced me to her music and since then her feel-good music has grown on me. I am also quite a big Take That fan. I'm not one of those squealing fans that go to every concert, follow them everywhere and get a tattoo saying "I Love Robbie" or "Back For Good". I just think they have amazing voices and listen to their music.
Going against what people think about 'Modern Music' and going for the young people, I really love Scouting For Girls, Green Day (my favourite!), Rogue Traders (but I only like one song), The Fray and The Hoosiers to name a few. I'm not saying these people are old, but compared to how young some singers are now...
I am now also finding you don't get many 'average' artists. They all seem to be ludicrously good-looking and have as much meat on them as a stick of celery.
I am draw, therefor, to play piano music, where no vocals are needed and I actually know vaguely what I am doing. I also feel that pianos are the most beautiful instrument in the entire world, beside the true and pure human song. I gave up on piano grades, as I don't think music is all about certificates and exams. It is about feeling proud of yourself, and choosing your style.
Music is the answer to everything, and I don't give a damn about the question.
And I would also like to wish 'Yellow Jane' a very happy birthday! :)
This brings me onto the music I love and listen to. Going past the stereotypical screaming teenage fan-girl at a concert, I must say I hate concerts. I went to one in 2009 and after feeling I was about to be deafened, I sat outside and listened from there. People of my age around me talk of Justin Beiber, the Jonas Brothers and Tinie Tempah. I'm not even going to bother with spelling. I admire people that write and sing their own songs. And that's why I like Eliza Doolittle. My cousin introduced me to her music and since then her feel-good music has grown on me. I am also quite a big Take That fan. I'm not one of those squealing fans that go to every concert, follow them everywhere and get a tattoo saying "I Love Robbie" or "Back For Good". I just think they have amazing voices and listen to their music.
Going against what people think about 'Modern Music' and going for the young people, I really love Scouting For Girls, Green Day (my favourite!), Rogue Traders (but I only like one song), The Fray and The Hoosiers to name a few. I'm not saying these people are old, but compared to how young some singers are now...
I am now also finding you don't get many 'average' artists. They all seem to be ludicrously good-looking and have as much meat on them as a stick of celery.
I am draw, therefor, to play piano music, where no vocals are needed and I actually know vaguely what I am doing. I also feel that pianos are the most beautiful instrument in the entire world, beside the true and pure human song. I gave up on piano grades, as I don't think music is all about certificates and exams. It is about feeling proud of yourself, and choosing your style.
Music is the answer to everything, and I don't give a damn about the question.
And I would also like to wish 'Yellow Jane' a very happy birthday! :)
Tuesday, 22 February 2011
A Silent Language
I believe the language I am speaking of at this time is the language we can learn most of, and is the most developed, yet we learn more and more every day. I have just begun learning it, and have found it incredibly useful and interesting. I am speaking, of course, about Body Language.
It facinates me greatly and I actually want to learn it. I'm not going to talk with Germans or the French about what sports I did last weekend and what I would wear if I went to a party. I find that if you do trading, then you will find body language much more useful (but beware of the language barrier!). You can tell if someone is lying, what mood they are in and what they think of you before they open their mouth.
Sometimes though, I wish I couldn't tell what people meant. They say "Some things are better left unsaid.". So what do you do if they don't need to say it and you know?
However, I am a LONG way off being perfect. For a start, there are over 750,000 different signs, and I don't even know 50. And even if you do know all of them (getting past your head exploding) then you could easily mistake them and that could in turn affect your reaction.
I am getting the feeling that it is a bit pointless to learn however. We already know what looks shifty, if someone is lying and how people are feeling. It is always nice to know as much as you can though.
Now is probably the time to mention another 'friend' of sorts, who does rather good blogs and you should probably check them out:
Yellow Jane
It facinates me greatly and I actually want to learn it. I'm not going to talk with Germans or the French about what sports I did last weekend and what I would wear if I went to a party. I find that if you do trading, then you will find body language much more useful (but beware of the language barrier!). You can tell if someone is lying, what mood they are in and what they think of you before they open their mouth.
Sometimes though, I wish I couldn't tell what people meant. They say "Some things are better left unsaid.". So what do you do if they don't need to say it and you know?
However, I am a LONG way off being perfect. For a start, there are over 750,000 different signs, and I don't even know 50. And even if you do know all of them (getting past your head exploding) then you could easily mistake them and that could in turn affect your reaction.
I am getting the feeling that it is a bit pointless to learn however. We already know what looks shifty, if someone is lying and how people are feeling. It is always nice to know as much as you can though.
Now is probably the time to mention another 'friend' of sorts, who does rather good blogs and you should probably check them out:
Yellow Jane
Friday, 18 February 2011
From a Hopeless Romantic
Before you even get to the 'boyfriends, girlfriends' thing that is all that is spoken about at my age, you get to love. And now I am confused about what love actually is. All I know is that no boy is showing it to me, in a kind of more than friend way. Listening to my mum's Take That album on my iPod (them naturally singing about love) they are basically singing about a beautiful woman that is great at sex. I am not beautiful, and I have no clue about the sex bit, being a young teenage girl and having a sense of dignity.
There are others talking about family love. True, but that love is not optional. You are blood relatives and supposed to love and care.
This brings me nicely onto my next point. All I want is the type of love that family can't give you. The love given out of choice rather than having it put upon you. And so I move onto me. I have never had a proper boyfriend. Ever. Of couse I would like one, but I don't think I would cope if it went wrong, but it all depends on the person.
If you don't understand, I shall explain. There is a cute, funny boy that I have had a crush on for three years. It would tear me apart if I left him. Just the thought of that feeling brings tears to my eyes. However, this boy in question has 'gone out' with four other girls in that time, with up to about 2 month relationships. So not very reliable, saying that if I went out with him it wouldn't last very long. I should have given up ages ago. But I haven't. I try to stop myself crying when I found out about his latest accessory with more fake-tan than skin, but I can't stop it. He goes for the pretty, popular ones. I am neither. All I was worried about in my first year then was work, learning and homework. Finally, I realised that school isn't everything. A good job won't make you as happy as if you have love.
I asked a few of my friends if they would go for love or money. 2 of them said love. The other said money. She is entitled to her opinion, it is true, but I don't think money can make you truly happy.
I read a while ago in The Times Magazine in an article with James May in, that he said teenagers just dream about sex. This has been on my mind for all that time, and I couldn't disagree more. I have been brought up in quite a 'well-off' area, thus have a moral up-bringing. Never had the sex talk yet though. I just dream of being happy, being loved and no more. Love is not one of those things you can get more of. You have to accept what you are given and treasure it, as you can lose it in a second. The most greedy I have got is imagining the impossible love I will probably never get.
There is always your second choice. Of course, you never tell them that, but there is always someone you dream you could love. For a few girls in my form it's Zac Efron and Aston Merrigold. I've had a few celebrity crushes, but they have only ever been much older, about treble my age people. I don't say this to most people, as they don't seem to understand that you can't put an age limit on love.
I accept the fact I have gone incredibly soppy, but Mr Cute is going out with ANOTHER person now, so it's a way of expressing myself.
I also accept that no-one will read my blogs, but I love speaking freely.
There are others talking about family love. True, but that love is not optional. You are blood relatives and supposed to love and care.
This brings me nicely onto my next point. All I want is the type of love that family can't give you. The love given out of choice rather than having it put upon you. And so I move onto me. I have never had a proper boyfriend. Ever. Of couse I would like one, but I don't think I would cope if it went wrong, but it all depends on the person.
If you don't understand, I shall explain. There is a cute, funny boy that I have had a crush on for three years. It would tear me apart if I left him. Just the thought of that feeling brings tears to my eyes. However, this boy in question has 'gone out' with four other girls in that time, with up to about 2 month relationships. So not very reliable, saying that if I went out with him it wouldn't last very long. I should have given up ages ago. But I haven't. I try to stop myself crying when I found out about his latest accessory with more fake-tan than skin, but I can't stop it. He goes for the pretty, popular ones. I am neither. All I was worried about in my first year then was work, learning and homework. Finally, I realised that school isn't everything. A good job won't make you as happy as if you have love.
I asked a few of my friends if they would go for love or money. 2 of them said love. The other said money. She is entitled to her opinion, it is true, but I don't think money can make you truly happy.
I read a while ago in The Times Magazine in an article with James May in, that he said teenagers just dream about sex. This has been on my mind for all that time, and I couldn't disagree more. I have been brought up in quite a 'well-off' area, thus have a moral up-bringing. Never had the sex talk yet though. I just dream of being happy, being loved and no more. Love is not one of those things you can get more of. You have to accept what you are given and treasure it, as you can lose it in a second. The most greedy I have got is imagining the impossible love I will probably never get.
There is always your second choice. Of course, you never tell them that, but there is always someone you dream you could love. For a few girls in my form it's Zac Efron and Aston Merrigold. I've had a few celebrity crushes, but they have only ever been much older, about treble my age people. I don't say this to most people, as they don't seem to understand that you can't put an age limit on love.
I accept the fact I have gone incredibly soppy, but Mr Cute is going out with ANOTHER person now, so it's a way of expressing myself.
I also accept that no-one will read my blogs, but I love speaking freely.
It's Just A Name
It has just occurred to me that I have not explained my name choice properly. I have already said that I am a Whovian (a Doctor Who fan), and the Song part comes from that. I love the image of The Doctor and River Song, so what happened if River had some adopted child? That is where the surname came from.
I also found I was writing a lot of Doctor Who fanfics with my character being part TimeLord (or Lady!). I have also always had a thing about the Phoenix, and as Phoenixes seem to live forever, the name Phoenix and TimeLord combined seemed to work. Thus, Phoenix Song was born (metaphorically speaking).
I have no clue where 'Yellow Jane' comes from, but I am sure they will tell me. :)
I also found I was writing a lot of Doctor Who fanfics with my character being part TimeLord (or Lady!). I have also always had a thing about the Phoenix, and as Phoenixes seem to live forever, the name Phoenix and TimeLord combined seemed to work. Thus, Phoenix Song was born (metaphorically speaking).
I have no clue where 'Yellow Jane' comes from, but I am sure they will tell me. :)
First Time Flyers
So here I am with my first blog. Ever. I've never done a blog in my life for fun. I have no clue what to say in this, so I will begin at the best place, the beginning and about me.
I am a teenage girl in Hertfordshire. That's all I will say as of age and location. I am a Doctor Who and medical drama fangirl. I spend a bit of my spare time researching medical terminology and browsing Wikipedia and YouTube for famous actors. Having a famous actress of her time in the family, it does make adults say your name casually, then look at it and question you.
My real name is not Phoenix Song, it is a name I seem to have grown to use over the web. I do think it is a totally awesome name though! :D
I am not a popular person, and never had much luck with boys. I think this may be for the best though, seeing as most of the boys at my school are completely bonkers. :)
I seem to be a bit of a Casualty geek, sitting there watching from series 12 up to 24 during the summer holidays. For any other old time casualty viewers out there, my favourite character is Sam Colloby, purely for his kind nature and high spirits. I am a Latrick person too, and think that Ruth and Jay, and Kirsty and Adam should get together again. :)
My blogs may be quite short sometimes, as I may be typing it on my phone and it is a complete nightmare!
Adios!
I am a teenage girl in Hertfordshire. That's all I will say as of age and location. I am a Doctor Who and medical drama fangirl. I spend a bit of my spare time researching medical terminology and browsing Wikipedia and YouTube for famous actors. Having a famous actress of her time in the family, it does make adults say your name casually, then look at it and question you.
My real name is not Phoenix Song, it is a name I seem to have grown to use over the web. I do think it is a totally awesome name though! :D
I am not a popular person, and never had much luck with boys. I think this may be for the best though, seeing as most of the boys at my school are completely bonkers. :)
I seem to be a bit of a Casualty geek, sitting there watching from series 12 up to 24 during the summer holidays. For any other old time casualty viewers out there, my favourite character is Sam Colloby, purely for his kind nature and high spirits. I am a Latrick person too, and think that Ruth and Jay, and Kirsty and Adam should get together again. :)
My blogs may be quite short sometimes, as I may be typing it on my phone and it is a complete nightmare!
Adios!
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