To be or not to be?

I'm all sad again. So of course this means another blog. I realise now that due to me only really writing blogs when I am emotionally pushed towards doing so it will probably give you the idea I am a very depressed person. In truth I am- sometimes. But the rest of the time I am actually a relatively happy person who laughs a lot.

But now I need to get on with why I am writing this. And it is for several reasons- the main being that I found my old phone.

I have been told that there was a time that Hemlock and I... well he would have probably said yes if I were to ask him out. That time was a fair while ago, however.

But I can't help but think of what my life would be like now if I had of done something earlier. And finding my phone showed me just how well we got on in those times. There was no awkwardness, nothing stopping us expressing ourselves and our madness, just what was clear to me was a very close bond.

We were just so alike (I'm not sure why I'm talking in past tense as we still are) and I saw completely why I fell head-over-heels in love with him. I think I felt something from him too at that time. But I let the time and the emotions get away from me.

At least I did say something in the end though.

But thanks to saying something, it has knocked my confidence back. I don't feel ready for a relationship, much as I do want one. I can't even hug properly. I fall in love so easily that I'm obsessed with them if they start showing any liking to me at all- which is horrible if they like me as a friend. I guess the reason why I feel awful at the moment in the long run is that I really like Jensen. A lot. We have been texting a bit, too, which makes me very happy due to the 'x's on the end that he put there.
And the fact he starts most of our Facebook chats.
But what I feel bad about is that I am almost certain he likes someone else. I think there may be two of them, and they are both the annoyingly naturally beautiful girls with equally irritatingly bubbly personalities and maddeningly intelligent minds. But I unfortunately think that they are out of his league. If he does like them in that way, then I feel sorry for him- and I don't know whether I should annoyed or sympathetic towards him.

Screw that I've been in that boat often enough. Especially with celebrities but that's another rant.

We have a fair bit in common, as I have discovered in the 2 hours a week that we sit next to each-other. And I can't help but feel sorry for him when he tries to talk to these girls about it and they don't like it (to simplify things, it's Pokemon).

The final thing that is winding me up is my inability to keep a secret. I am fine with other people's secrets (unless I'm asked about them in which case it seems I am physically incapable of lying)- it is just my own. I trust people too much with too much information.
I shouldn't have people telling me that "there's that guy you like" when he is only a few metres away. I feel crap about myself as I know that each time is just a reminder that my love life has been going far from well and I'm not ready to move on.

I never moved on from Hemlock. I just keep running over it in my own head and have no idea why I do it. It doesn't help at all. But it does tell me that at least when I do finally meet someone who likes me back, I will be the happiest person on the planet. Probably. There would still be the whole drama of a relationship to go (which I never understand why people complain about when there are those who haven't even had their feelings reciprocated at all- unless that was their problem in which case they shouldn't be in a relationship at all. Idiots.) and I'm prepared for that. That's the easy bit.

What Is My Life?

I think I've reached one of those low points. I told myself I'd never reach the point. I'm almost ashamed but it's me who had that thought so of course I see the world in the same way so see it as fine. My wrist looked oddly tempting to me during that phase.
I realised whilst I was breaking down at midnight the night before a Maths exam and after a 10 hour Art exam that I haven't cried properly for a while.
During the Art exam I spent so much time with Hemlock and my friends it's unreal. Of course he realised just how mental I actually am and why he doesn't hang out with us that often. But the fact he "rejected" (his words) me was brought up three times. I either laughed or eviled them off, and was amazed I wasn't responding much more dramatically. The first time it was mentioned by him I sat in silence with just wonderfully depressing songs in my head for about an hour. Finally I've cracked. After trying to hold hands with myself in a way that looks convincing I've learned that:
a. I need to get out more
b. I just want somebody to hold my hand

It almost always comes back to love with me. He hugged me today. If I still thought I had a chance I would have melted inside and written an entire blog about what we would name our children and what the bridesmaids will wear. But, unfortunately, I'm not in that mindset so I felt more miserable. I appreciated the gesture, obviously, but I don't like friendly hugs. They remind me too much of what I don't have (which makes no sense).

I have considered going anorexic before- countless times. The feeling normally goes away within a few hours and I'm back to being normal and stuffing my face full of fat and sugar. But I'm getting worried as I've only recently started getting the thoughts about potentially hurting myself. The thing is, I have thought and even dreamed about getting severely injured. This is one of the most disturbing things about me that I can think of at the moment (but I'm sure there are more!). On reflection, I only ever injured myself around other people. I think I crave attention and just want someone I can rely on who's caring for me. I'm not sure if I'm just twisting my own thoughts for my advantage with trying to defend seriously worrying thought, but it would make sense. I've always loved getting the attention.
I recall the thought when I pictured myself self-harming: Jensen or Hemlock seeing it and trying to help me. I really really need to move on. It's not fair on him. Anyway, I'm a bit worried for my own health now. Self-harming is not the way to attract guys.

I've tried psychologists, psychiatrists and GPs galore but there's nothing significantly psychologically wrong with me according to them. I'm so certain there is. I'm not exactly little miss confident around people, I have breakdowns about once a week but often more, I have about 6 friends and that is all and I crave every second with all the wrong people.

I have a pretty crap life at the moment, but according to popular belief, things can only get better.
Yeah, right.

Another Joyous Emotion

Hooray I'm all confused again. In all fairness to myself I never stopped being confused, so I suppose now I'm just more confused than normal.
Too much confusion.

Anyway, the reason why I'm feeling this way is that it has been about 6 weeks since I told Hemlock how I felt and he told me how he felt. And I haven't moved on. I think it's difficult as I never really considered him as being just a friend. He doesn't know this (thank goodness) and so I don't think he understands how difficult it is to go back to how you were with them if the only other option you have to go back to is not knowing them. We're good friends now. We trust each-other, but I still crave every second with him and I feel awful for it. I just want to be able to tell myself that we are friends and I am happy with being at that level.

People at school are not being very helpful with the moving-on process. Just a few days ago he sat next to me in a lesson when we had a cover (and of course you sit where you want then). That was after sitting at the other end of the five-seater bench a friend and I were sitting at the end of. I felt slightly insulted. Then two other people came in and he took pity on us and moved down. The wolf-whistles and shouts from the back were ridiculous.

Oh, and then there's the other confusing bit. Of course I now like someone else. Well, that's got to help with the recovery process.

I've known him for almost 5 years and I can't believe I didn't really think of him before. Dear YJ has come up with the nickname "Komputer" (nononononono) but I am going to go for Jensen as he loves cars and it's a bit less... weird.
But I spend about 10 hours with him in the same room, and before it was even more than that. We've gradually started talking more as I sit opposite him in I.T. and have required technical assistance several times. And he has brilliant taste in socks. He started talking properly to me after I looked at his socks and then said
"Those. Socks. Are. AMAZING!!!"
He then came over and talked to me for a few minutes. Inside I was both melting and cursing myself.
I don't actually see him very often. But I know that he is more... excitable... than I am when he talks to people, and still he has gone out with a very pretty and, as I thought at the time, friendly girl.
Rumour has it she was telling people she really wanted to dump him and had she known prior to going out with him about his "mental health problem" she would not have gone out with him.
I feel awful for him.

Thinking back like this reminds me of when we were standing outside a lesson about a year ago. It was a non-uniform day and I wore my usual leggings and t-shirt. But I felt seriously awkward as it was the first time I had consciously felt like I was being "checked out". He was just looking up and down me and I did look at him but I felt so uncomfortable I tried to distract myself talking to a friend. I'm not sure if that was a good "checkin'" or not. I hope it was good (why wouldn't you?) although it was the first time a little thought popped into my head that it is entirely possible for other people to have a crush on me!

A little update since I started writing this blog- I am so unsure where we are. We sat next to each-other in an exam and smiled at the other a few times. That would be normal, had I not been very conscious of the fact he was also staring for several seconds at a time. Several times. I'm not sure if this is just what he does, but I felt so uncomfortable, although it was early in the day so my make-up was almost flawless and hair was not too windswept.
I hope this goes well. I don't want to get hopeful too soon and I hope I'll speak to him sometime.

Expect the Expected

He asked if he could talk to me in private today. I think I knew then.

He said he trusts me more than he does most other people. Except that he likes me, just not in the way I like him.

I can cope with that. To be frank, even being friends with him was more than I could ever have dreamed of. He does deserve better than me, and I learned that I can have friends. I hate to say this, but it is a bit like practice for later life- knowing there are some people that I just cannot have and will have to get over.

It was much sweeter and easier than I thought it would be. I could think clearly and plan my words this time. He put his arm round me and his head on my shoulder. I would have melted inside normally. But this time I just didn't really connect.

It's going to take a while, but I will be able to let it go and start to just stop thinking about how I look to him. I've run out of guys in my school to like like, so I can just relax more. I wish him all the best for the future he deserves.

I am so grateful that he was so calm and mature. And I am glad I said it.

AAAAARGHHHH!!!!

I'm not going to lie- I am ever so slightly -okay, seriously- worried. I told him I liked him today. He didn't tell me how he felt back, but I said the thing that has been on my mind for almost a year.

I just blurted it out. It's always that really romantic bit in films where they just look into each-other's eyes and tell the other just like that.

I was petrified.
My head was swimming.
My brain switched into auto-pilot in case I stopped walking
I tried to bring myself to say it so many times, but failed to.

My brain does this thing when I am in a really stressful situation. It disconnects from the rest of my body. I felt like I was no longer part of the world. I felt like I was watching it happen- without realising that somehow I had to do something. It was like that all the way down the road, ever since I first stepped out of the classroom with him that afternoon.

He took it rather well actually. He said I could just have talked to him, as I said what was putting me off was being so scared of his reaction.

It still hasn't really clicked that I did tell him. Each time I try and look back I keep thinking that I just watched it happen like in a dream, not that I actually told him in real life. As I was so full of adrenaline, I can't remember parts of it. It's like tipping out a jigsaw box and trying to put it back together. But then you have 6 corner pieces and not enough of the other pieces and there is no picture on either the box nor the pieces. I am really confused.

He didn't say if he liked me back or not. He didn't even look shocked. But I'm glad I told him, even if we don't go anywhere, because I gave us a chance.

Poison and a Meal

Finally (although it may be the penultimate one by the time I actually finish this blog!) I will move onto quite possibly the most confusing yet brilliant last few months of my life.

Around the same time I realised my feelings for the person in my previous blog, I was introduced to a new person. I shall call him Hemlock, as that is the nickname that Yellow Jane gave him, and it is the one I have grown used to. No "Mr" something- they're a bit cheesy and I've grown out of them.

Hemlock- a highly poisonous European plant of the parsley family ... ,used medicinally as a powerful sedative.
It's also a heavy metal band, but I don't think YJ had that in mind.

He said that he came up with the word himself and Diamond Heart said that it was a real thing, then went on to describe it. YJ was shocked but said it fitted still. YJ now claims that he knew all along the meaning of 'hemlock' and that's why he chose it. But that is another story. The point is, that YJ thought 'Hemlock' was a suitable nickname because "he is poisonous to me".


I wasn't quite sure how to take that. Do I take it in the way that once I've taken a bite I will have the taste in my mouth until I die? Or that he will be the breaking of me and I should stay away? Or that he is intoxicating me and I have completely fallen for him? Or all of them?

I don't know.

Having successfully rambled for over three paragraphs, I should probably return to the little story I started that you have probably forgotten in all the time I did spend rambling. So on with the story!

Over the next two months, I never really got the opportunity to talk to him much. We were in the same art class, and he was the only one of a few boys in the class. He didn't really get on with the more popular group of boys, so talked with YJ, another male friend of ours who is in his form, another incredibly annoying "friend" of mine who I am relived that he does not get on with, and me.

At the end of those two months, we had an art activity. In groups. And there are no prizes for who I was in a group with. I don't even need to consult my diary to know what happened, despite it being about 6 months ago. We did well in the presentation. Only after we did ours, we had nothing to do but listen to the other groups' as we were first. He didn't want to turn around (probably because it would take effort) and I was sitting facing the front. If you haven't worked it out, we were sitting opposite each-other. We couldn't help but make eye contact. And I am pretty sure I blushed and looked down each time he did. But we managed to talk when the chance was there. I pretty much ignored the rest of the group in the last hour. We had done all the group work in the first hour, the gaps now would just be conversation opportunities.

We talked a bit more before art lessons then. And a little more during the other lessons I share with him, which is actually a fair few. Doing the maths quickly, I have 60% of my lessons with him. That's quite a lot... But we gradually got more confident, but we still lacked a proper opportunity to just... talk.

And that opportunity presented itself in the month after the group art project. An art trip. 3 days of nothing but supposed to be doing work but really chatting and actually looking around the place. Or avoiding flares as was the case at the Eiffel Tower where a protest was taking place.

But we talked like there was no tomorrow. I actually got told off for talking which isn't exactly something that happens to me very often! We talked on the coach, walking to places, walking around places, whilst drawing and in the restaurants.
What embarrassed me most was the restaurants. To say I am a fussy eater is a bit of an under-statement. So I sat there the first meal time looking at continually at the mashed potato, salad, creme brûlée, beans and tomatoes that were put down and taken away. And I cried at one point. I wanted to eat, but this wasn't home. For one moment the desire that has been with me for over half of my life overcame me. The problem was just staring at me in food form. I wished I could have been normal and have been able to have eaten that food in front of me. I was starving, and I couldn't eat it. It wasn't for trying, but there was only so much I could take.
The fragility of my emotional state from being away from home, in a place where the only bit of the language I knew was "je joue au foot" and being faced with a quite honestly daemonic teacher who came up at the end of each course to check I had eaten, and then having to pretend I was enjoying it, was too much. I broke down.

The next day was a little better. This trip I was actually illness-free (on my previous school trip I had a bug which meant I could eat nothing anyway, which was actually good as I wouldn't have eaten any of the food served to us anyway) and I was feeling seriously hungry. I managed to eat breakfast, but the lunches were too much. They were pretty disgusting even for my able-dieted friends. So I went without lunch too. By dinner, I was praying it was not a repeat of the previous night.

It wasn't. It was pizza- a thing I have recently got into (thank goodness). I wasn't sitting with the boys on this meal, but I did have a friendly face with me. I avoided the mushroom landmines in the first pizza, and said I was fine when the salad-on-a-pizza was offered to me. Dessert was something I hadn't tried before. Chocolate on a pizza. And I tried it. And I actually rather liked it. So I had two pieces of it It was pretty sickening at the same time; it was just sugar in a savoury dish and the two do not really mix.

But I had been provided with some energy, and I felt a lot better because of it.

On the way back, I was given an origami penguin by him, which is named Pingu for some reason. But it became a conversation starter for our mad little conversations.
On the ferry, we exchanged numbers. And it all went from there.
We pretty much texted all the way back. And as we had done on the way there, we had a rave to the music on his iPod. Music was the thing that united us.

I continued to text him over the next few months. We sent several thousand in those months, which required a new phone contract! It was worth it.
He chose to talk to me a lot more voluntarily. We even worked together in lessons when he had the option to go with friends. But most importantly, he started walking out with me. It was only for 5 minutes until he got his lift home, but it was a great chance just to talk one on one.


Have you noticed all this was in the past tense? I most certainly have.

I don't actually know what happened. The texting died down until it stopped completely. I felt like when I talked to him to was less relaxed and flowing. He looked less comfortable around me. And I felt almost stalkerish. I just wanted to talk to him all the time.

I don't know how we got out of that situation. But now we do get on more than in those cursed months. He chooses to talk to me more over his friends. And we started texting again. True, it was very short lived, but it happened. If he didn't have a certain apt for losing his phone it may be a bit more frequent and I may care less about what I write. Now I feel I have to plan what I want to say and then write it. So it's not exactly back to normal. The thing that got me is that we don't put the 'x' on the end of texts any more. I miss it.

I wish I had asked him out when I had the chance. I was being nagged like there was no tomorrow, until there wasn't going to be that chance tomorrow. Now it is the summer holidays, and he appears to have lost his phone. Great.

Apparently he had a crush on a girl and he asked her out last year. She turned him down. She is incredibly popular, and I deeply admire his courage to ask in the first place. I don't know whether that means he could ask me? But I don't want to just put it down to him to ask, however I just can't bring up the question. I'm scared of potentially losing that friendship. I'm worried about what to do if he says yes!


I think I've covered it. For now, anyway. If you've read this far, you are amazing- love ya! :)
If you are wondering why this was put up at about 2am, I meant to start it when I lay down about to go to sleep at 11. I got kinda in the zone and just couldn't stop. Ow my thumbs hurt!

Thank you for reading! :)

The Boy Next Door

And now I am going to move on to my second situation. It's going to be more of a summary of the time over which I fell for him.


I don't simply have crushes. When I fall in love, the rest of the world can dissolve away into nothing for all I care, so long as I'm with them.

But he confused me so badly. I had never met him for three years. Then suddenly I sit next to him in just about every lesson. I get on okay with him for the first few months. We don't talk much, but we can work together. And as we begin to get more confident around each-other, we begin to get to know the other a lot better.

I told him everything about me. My private life. The side I wouldn't want to tell anyone. But I trust him. Even if you only have ten minutes after meeting him, you will trust him. For he is the kindest and most friendly guy I know.
He is physically impossible.
How can somebody be that lovely?
I can think about it as much as I want but he is still there. Still his friendly, rather athletic (*grin*) self.

I don't know when it was I realised. It was not love at first sight, I am certain of that. It was more of a gradual progression of emotions, so that I could have looked back a month and been amazed that I could hold a vaguely normal conversation with him without secretly wishing the next line he said was the one line that every lovesick person wants to hear. Those were the "good old days".

It had been about two months when I was first aware that something had changed. I wasn't sure whether it was me, him or just the atmosphere of the class that day. But the next day I knew it was me.

I thought I stood a chance as I didn't think he was very popular.

Oh how wrong I was. Almost the whole school knows who he is. Everyone is friendly to him, and in return, he is super friendly to them.
Except one girl that just went beyond friendly and stepped into the flirting zone. She said she didn't like him, but I know enough about body language now to tell that she is lying!

The popular girl flirting with the popular boy. Well that doesn't surprise me. School is pretty much a status game.

I got my friend to ask (discretely!) if you liked me about five or six months later. The answer was that I was not his type. I may have broken down at the time, but it was short-lived. It helped me begin to get over him. As usual, I'm still not fully over him, but now I've accepted his opinion, and the alternative love life he could have. And the one I could have...
There was practically no recovery period.