Expect the Expected

He asked if he could talk to me in private today. I think I knew then.

He said he trusts me more than he does most other people. Except that he likes me, just not in the way I like him.

I can cope with that. To be frank, even being friends with him was more than I could ever have dreamed of. He does deserve better than me, and I learned that I can have friends. I hate to say this, but it is a bit like practice for later life- knowing there are some people that I just cannot have and will have to get over.

It was much sweeter and easier than I thought it would be. I could think clearly and plan my words this time. He put his arm round me and his head on my shoulder. I would have melted inside normally. But this time I just didn't really connect.

It's going to take a while, but I will be able to let it go and start to just stop thinking about how I look to him. I've run out of guys in my school to like like, so I can just relax more. I wish him all the best for the future he deserves.

I am so grateful that he was so calm and mature. And I am glad I said it.

AAAAARGHHHH!!!!

I'm not going to lie- I am ever so slightly -okay, seriously- worried. I told him I liked him today. He didn't tell me how he felt back, but I said the thing that has been on my mind for almost a year.

I just blurted it out. It's always that really romantic bit in films where they just look into each-other's eyes and tell the other just like that.

I was petrified.
My head was swimming.
My brain switched into auto-pilot in case I stopped walking
I tried to bring myself to say it so many times, but failed to.

My brain does this thing when I am in a really stressful situation. It disconnects from the rest of my body. I felt like I was no longer part of the world. I felt like I was watching it happen- without realising that somehow I had to do something. It was like that all the way down the road, ever since I first stepped out of the classroom with him that afternoon.

He took it rather well actually. He said I could just have talked to him, as I said what was putting me off was being so scared of his reaction.

It still hasn't really clicked that I did tell him. Each time I try and look back I keep thinking that I just watched it happen like in a dream, not that I actually told him in real life. As I was so full of adrenaline, I can't remember parts of it. It's like tipping out a jigsaw box and trying to put it back together. But then you have 6 corner pieces and not enough of the other pieces and there is no picture on either the box nor the pieces. I am really confused.

He didn't say if he liked me back or not. He didn't even look shocked. But I'm glad I told him, even if we don't go anywhere, because I gave us a chance.