A Scouting for Girls Quote

I have gone and done it again. Another celebrity crush has formulated in me. This time, it's my second American. Darren Criss is the name he goes by, and every time I see it, my mind slips into the endless fantasies that have made themselves known these last few days.

You see, I never really knew about him. Yeah, I watched A Very Potter Musical last year, but I didn't see him really. I was really looking at the whole thing. Then, my heart didn't run wild. It was a tame thing, really. Now I have to try and lock it up- and watch all my defences break down in mere seconds. However, now I have got into watching Glee and looking at all the actors and actresses in it and their lives, I realise how much I like him. True, I am not as obsessed as some other fans (cue the video of him getting pulled off stage during a live performance by a fan), but I could get so much worse. I haven't got a poster of him stuck on the back of my door (that is reserved for Mr. Tennant and his TARDIS, my GoApe certificates and artwork), mainly due to me not finding a shop in which they sell them. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Having now got into graphic making, I find myself making more wallpapers. I thereby made one of all the lovely men I have fallen for. I had to have six so there weren't any blank spaces. That was a real struggle. I had to be a REALLY big fan of them for them to go on my wallpaper. I got four. Then I ran out of ideas. Alex Pettyfer- yup, like him, Tom Felton- *faint*, Tyger Drew-Honey- gorgeous and the latest addition of Darren Criss. I then got stuck. I racked my memory and pulled out Chord Overstreet. That still left one more. I couldn't put in a picture of Mr. Cute as I possess no pictures of him. Mr. Completely Adorable- the same issue. Mr. Right... Oh... I know where there are pictures of him, but I don't think I could cope with looking at him every day. So I was left with a picture of Mr. Tennant and his TARDIS. Why? I have absolutely no idea. I liked him at one stage in my life, but not now. So I had my six men- but six seemed so many. Then I remembered it was only really five. Five isn't such a bad number. I will just suffer heartache five more times then your average person. And why is that so bad if your heart skips a beat five times more than that of your average person?

So I am lying awake the day after I lay down. I have been lying here for hours- more than I care to count. The silence is occasionally broken by the passing car. The song is still playing through my mind on a seemingly endless loop. The song that is my new favourite song. The song that is my new emotional song. The song that reduces me to tears by the end. In a way, when I listen to it, I don't want it to end. It is such a beautiful song that I fell in love with it before the singing even began. It fills my heart with an instant burst of warmness. I can't help but sing along. And me singing along makes it personal. And making it personal makes it even harder to resist the tears. Not that it was easy in the first place.

I am one of life's criers.

I will break down when the little things stack up. I will cry when I injure myself. I will cry when I think too much about Mr Right. I will cry when I remember how much of my life I have spent in love and how I felt when I realised they had found their love- and it wasn't me. I cry because it is never me. I cry because I think it never will be me. I cry because it reminds me I am full of emotion and human. I can't think now. I have started again.

And I have heard a rumour going around part of my year that I 'play for the other team'. I have really nothing to say to these people. They haven't read this blog and I have no intention for them to. They have no idea what I go through every day. They have no idea -at all- what it means to be me. If I talk to the source (and I know who it is), then what good will that do? It will probably just enhance the rumours. If I back myself up, it will just be twisted and used against me. So I just cannot be bothered with them. It is a stupid rumour. Everyone that knows me knows that I am definetely not. I am pretty sure of my sexuality at the moment -but you never know- it may change. Whatever. They clearly have no hope of a love life and so choose to try and put down someone else's potential. They are just sad. A sad person that preys on other people to ignore the fact that no-one likes them in a loving way. And I know who I am. I am me. I am still hopelessly in love with Mr. Right. It hurting me and tearing me apart, but I love the feeling after this. It reminds me I am more alive then The Source. My heart still beats with something other than spite.

I love how it hurts.