Why I Have No Faith in PSHE Lessons

I haven't eaten for 24 hours. And at the moment I have no real desire to eat- I don't feel hungry and I'm starting to like my figure. So by not eating I would keep this figure.

Now thanks to PSHE (or Health Ed or whatever you call it) I know of several cases where anorexia has gone too far and people have died as a result. You never learn about the cases where they turn their lives around. You never learn about the smaller cases where it is a lot more personal and small-scale- far more realistic to many young people's lives.

So what are they teaching, despite them probably wanting to deny it? If you start being anorexic, it will last a long time and will end with you losing a massive amount of weight. And they are given attention when it gets too far. Do these people do it for the knowledge that if they keep going, suddenly people start caring about them? And I think that that is what has started to click in my mind- people will start to notice the girl who is used to blending into the background behind the natural supermodels strutting around school if she does something extreme.

Another thing (I do go on a bit when I get started- sorry!) is that they say what can cause it, and what the end result is. They don't tell you how to deal with the initial temptation. Surely that's what matters? You see, if I am being tempted and I am fully aware of the risks but think that if I can moderate it and only do it for a short time, then the lessons are teaching the wrong thing. I can tell myself that I won't let it spiral out of control as I know the risks but I have no idea about the minor side effects.

As time has passed, I realised that I am going to eat, but I am going to use this feeling as motivation to improve my diet and exercise. I want to get this figure back again, but I want it to be sustainable, with me still being able to enjoy food and increase my lifespan. Don't panic- I won't do anything stupid. I'm grateful that PSHE has recognised and brought up anorexia, but it is one of the very few lessons I found vaguely useful, and even that wasn't covered to a level anyone could find useful.

The Ten Best Films So Far (in my opinion)

So Yellow Jane published a post about what he thought were the best films, so I thought I would give it a go!
In no particular order, my ten favourite films are:

1) Hot Fuzz- what can I say? I have seen it about 5 times and still laughed until I had to pause it to breathe! I'm a massive fan of comedy films and the Frost/Pegg combination kills me.

2) Up- I know. I'm a teenager. But come on! The first 8 minutes told one of the most emotional stories I have ever seen. Oh and it is very cute! The feels I get from watch are second to none.

3) Thor- it's not just because I'm a Hiddlestoner. Although the plot wasn't the strongest I've seen, I enjoyed it greatly and it has Chris Hemsworth taking his top off.

4) Marvel Avengers Assemble- No explanation needed.

5) The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey- I would kill for the Hobbit life- those fuzzy little feet, the hair, second breakfasts and the cosy little houses in the sided of hills. I'm going on an adventure through the stunning scenery of New Zealand!

6) Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason- a perfect film for watching whilst crying into a tub of ice-cream. With wonderfully cringe-worthy and positively unrealistic moments I'm amazed I love it so much. But the humour can lighten even the darkest of love-related bad moods I'm in.

7) Hawking- I won't lie, I watched it for Benedict Cumberbatch. However, I got so absorbed in the plot that I forgot entirely about the casting and was catapulted into the brilliant mind of Stephen Hawking. Beautifully done and I felt even better that I actually understood bits of what they were saying (CMBR in particular).

8) The Magdalene Sisters- an incredibly moving and harrowing film that I am undecided whether I should have watched or not. On the one hand I have so much more respect and sympathy for those who found themselves in such situations, but on the other it made sleeping very difficult and hasn't left me over a year later. Wonderful acting and a very well-written film.

9) Some Like It Hot- oh the classics! This was a brilliant film and had some brilliant lines. Sorry to overuse the word brilliant but it was a very good film and was... well... brilliant.

10) Skyfall- oooooh this was a good film! Judi Dench as M, Ben Whishaw (yes I'm a Whisker) and the "relationship" between Bond and Silva all added to making the film near-perfect. "Welcome to Scotland" remains my favourite line and the theme tune... don't even get me started.


So those are my maybe not favourite, but top 10 films that I feel were the most memorable for the right reasons. Whether you agree or disagree is up to you, but there is my list!

I promise I'll go back to my normal soppy self soon!

To be or not to be?

I'm all sad again. So of course this means another blog. I realise now that due to me only really writing blogs when I am emotionally pushed towards doing so it will probably give you the idea I am a very depressed person. In truth I am- sometimes. But the rest of the time I am actually a relatively happy person who laughs a lot.

But now I need to get on with why I am writing this. And it is for several reasons- the main being that I found my old phone.

I have been told that there was a time that Hemlock and I... well he would have probably said yes if I were to ask him out. That time was a fair while ago, however.

But I can't help but think of what my life would be like now if I had of done something earlier. And finding my phone showed me just how well we got on in those times. There was no awkwardness, nothing stopping us expressing ourselves and our madness, just what was clear to me was a very close bond.

We were just so alike (I'm not sure why I'm talking in past tense as we still are) and I saw completely why I fell head-over-heels in love with him. I think I felt something from him too at that time. But I let the time and the emotions get away from me.

At least I did say something in the end though.

But thanks to saying something, it has knocked my confidence back. I don't feel ready for a relationship, much as I do want one. I can't even hug properly. I fall in love so easily that I'm obsessed with them if they start showing any liking to me at all- which is horrible if they like me as a friend. I guess the reason why I feel awful at the moment in the long run is that I really like Jensen. A lot. We have been texting a bit, too, which makes me very happy due to the 'x's on the end that he put there.
And the fact he starts most of our Facebook chats.
But what I feel bad about is that I am almost certain he likes someone else. I think there may be two of them, and they are both the annoyingly naturally beautiful girls with equally irritatingly bubbly personalities and maddeningly intelligent minds. But I unfortunately think that they are out of his league. If he does like them in that way, then I feel sorry for him- and I don't know whether I should annoyed or sympathetic towards him.

Screw that I've been in that boat often enough. Especially with celebrities but that's another rant.

We have a fair bit in common, as I have discovered in the 2 hours a week that we sit next to each-other. And I can't help but feel sorry for him when he tries to talk to these girls about it and they don't like it (to simplify things, it's Pokemon).

The final thing that is winding me up is my inability to keep a secret. I am fine with other people's secrets (unless I'm asked about them in which case it seems I am physically incapable of lying)- it is just my own. I trust people too much with too much information.
I shouldn't have people telling me that "there's that guy you like" when he is only a few metres away. I feel crap about myself as I know that each time is just a reminder that my love life has been going far from well and I'm not ready to move on.

I never moved on from Hemlock. I just keep running over it in my own head and have no idea why I do it. It doesn't help at all. But it does tell me that at least when I do finally meet someone who likes me back, I will be the happiest person on the planet. Probably. There would still be the whole drama of a relationship to go (which I never understand why people complain about when there are those who haven't even had their feelings reciprocated at all- unless that was their problem in which case they shouldn't be in a relationship at all. Idiots.) and I'm prepared for that. That's the easy bit.

What Is My Life?

I think I've reached one of those low points. I told myself I'd never reach the point. I'm almost ashamed but it's me who had that thought so of course I see the world in the same way so see it as fine. My wrist looked oddly tempting to me during that phase.
I realised whilst I was breaking down at midnight the night before a Maths exam and after a 10 hour Art exam that I haven't cried properly for a while.
During the Art exam I spent so much time with Hemlock and my friends it's unreal. Of course he realised just how mental I actually am and why he doesn't hang out with us that often. But the fact he "rejected" (his words) me was brought up three times. I either laughed or eviled them off, and was amazed I wasn't responding much more dramatically. The first time it was mentioned by him I sat in silence with just wonderfully depressing songs in my head for about an hour. Finally I've cracked. After trying to hold hands with myself in a way that looks convincing I've learned that:
a. I need to get out more
b. I just want somebody to hold my hand

It almost always comes back to love with me. He hugged me today. If I still thought I had a chance I would have melted inside and written an entire blog about what we would name our children and what the bridesmaids will wear. But, unfortunately, I'm not in that mindset so I felt more miserable. I appreciated the gesture, obviously, but I don't like friendly hugs. They remind me too much of what I don't have (which makes no sense).

I have considered going anorexic before- countless times. The feeling normally goes away within a few hours and I'm back to being normal and stuffing my face full of fat and sugar. But I'm getting worried as I've only recently started getting the thoughts about potentially hurting myself. The thing is, I have thought and even dreamed about getting severely injured. This is one of the most disturbing things about me that I can think of at the moment (but I'm sure there are more!). On reflection, I only ever injured myself around other people. I think I crave attention and just want someone I can rely on who's caring for me. I'm not sure if I'm just twisting my own thoughts for my advantage with trying to defend seriously worrying thought, but it would make sense. I've always loved getting the attention.
I recall the thought when I pictured myself self-harming: Jensen or Hemlock seeing it and trying to help me. I really really need to move on. It's not fair on him. Anyway, I'm a bit worried for my own health now. Self-harming is not the way to attract guys.

I've tried psychologists, psychiatrists and GPs galore but there's nothing significantly psychologically wrong with me according to them. I'm so certain there is. I'm not exactly little miss confident around people, I have breakdowns about once a week but often more, I have about 6 friends and that is all and I crave every second with all the wrong people.

I have a pretty crap life at the moment, but according to popular belief, things can only get better.
Yeah, right.

Another Joyous Emotion

Hooray I'm all confused again. In all fairness to myself I never stopped being confused, so I suppose now I'm just more confused than normal.
Too much confusion.

Anyway, the reason why I'm feeling this way is that it has been about 6 weeks since I told Hemlock how I felt and he told me how he felt. And I haven't moved on. I think it's difficult as I never really considered him as being just a friend. He doesn't know this (thank goodness) and so I don't think he understands how difficult it is to go back to how you were with them if the only other option you have to go back to is not knowing them. We're good friends now. We trust each-other, but I still crave every second with him and I feel awful for it. I just want to be able to tell myself that we are friends and I am happy with being at that level.

People at school are not being very helpful with the moving-on process. Just a few days ago he sat next to me in a lesson when we had a cover (and of course you sit where you want then). That was after sitting at the other end of the five-seater bench a friend and I were sitting at the end of. I felt slightly insulted. Then two other people came in and he took pity on us and moved down. The wolf-whistles and shouts from the back were ridiculous.

Oh, and then there's the other confusing bit. Of course I now like someone else. Well, that's got to help with the recovery process.

I've known him for almost 5 years and I can't believe I didn't really think of him before. Dear YJ has come up with the nickname "Komputer" (nononononono) but I am going to go for Jensen as he loves cars and it's a bit less... weird.
But I spend about 10 hours with him in the same room, and before it was even more than that. We've gradually started talking more as I sit opposite him in I.T. and have required technical assistance several times. And he has brilliant taste in socks. He started talking properly to me after I looked at his socks and then said
"Those. Socks. Are. AMAZING!!!"
He then came over and talked to me for a few minutes. Inside I was both melting and cursing myself.
I don't actually see him very often. But I know that he is more... excitable... than I am when he talks to people, and still he has gone out with a very pretty and, as I thought at the time, friendly girl.
Rumour has it she was telling people she really wanted to dump him and had she known prior to going out with him about his "mental health problem" she would not have gone out with him.
I feel awful for him.

Thinking back like this reminds me of when we were standing outside a lesson about a year ago. It was a non-uniform day and I wore my usual leggings and t-shirt. But I felt seriously awkward as it was the first time I had consciously felt like I was being "checked out". He was just looking up and down me and I did look at him but I felt so uncomfortable I tried to distract myself talking to a friend. I'm not sure if that was a good "checkin'" or not. I hope it was good (why wouldn't you?) although it was the first time a little thought popped into my head that it is entirely possible for other people to have a crush on me!

A little update since I started writing this blog- I am so unsure where we are. We sat next to each-other in an exam and smiled at the other a few times. That would be normal, had I not been very conscious of the fact he was also staring for several seconds at a time. Several times. I'm not sure if this is just what he does, but I felt so uncomfortable, although it was early in the day so my make-up was almost flawless and hair was not too windswept.
I hope this goes well. I don't want to get hopeful too soon and I hope I'll speak to him sometime.

Expect the Expected

He asked if he could talk to me in private today. I think I knew then.

He said he trusts me more than he does most other people. Except that he likes me, just not in the way I like him.

I can cope with that. To be frank, even being friends with him was more than I could ever have dreamed of. He does deserve better than me, and I learned that I can have friends. I hate to say this, but it is a bit like practice for later life- knowing there are some people that I just cannot have and will have to get over.

It was much sweeter and easier than I thought it would be. I could think clearly and plan my words this time. He put his arm round me and his head on my shoulder. I would have melted inside normally. But this time I just didn't really connect.

It's going to take a while, but I will be able to let it go and start to just stop thinking about how I look to him. I've run out of guys in my school to like like, so I can just relax more. I wish him all the best for the future he deserves.

I am so grateful that he was so calm and mature. And I am glad I said it.

AAAAARGHHHH!!!!

I'm not going to lie- I am ever so slightly -okay, seriously- worried. I told him I liked him today. He didn't tell me how he felt back, but I said the thing that has been on my mind for almost a year.

I just blurted it out. It's always that really romantic bit in films where they just look into each-other's eyes and tell the other just like that.

I was petrified.
My head was swimming.
My brain switched into auto-pilot in case I stopped walking
I tried to bring myself to say it so many times, but failed to.

My brain does this thing when I am in a really stressful situation. It disconnects from the rest of my body. I felt like I was no longer part of the world. I felt like I was watching it happen- without realising that somehow I had to do something. It was like that all the way down the road, ever since I first stepped out of the classroom with him that afternoon.

He took it rather well actually. He said I could just have talked to him, as I said what was putting me off was being so scared of his reaction.

It still hasn't really clicked that I did tell him. Each time I try and look back I keep thinking that I just watched it happen like in a dream, not that I actually told him in real life. As I was so full of adrenaline, I can't remember parts of it. It's like tipping out a jigsaw box and trying to put it back together. But then you have 6 corner pieces and not enough of the other pieces and there is no picture on either the box nor the pieces. I am really confused.

He didn't say if he liked me back or not. He didn't even look shocked. But I'm glad I told him, even if we don't go anywhere, because I gave us a chance.