I'm all sad again. So of course this means another blog. I realise now that due to me only really writing blogs when I am emotionally pushed towards doing so it will probably give you the idea I am a very depressed person. In truth I am- sometimes. But the rest of the time I am actually a relatively happy person who laughs a lot.
But now I need to get on with why I am writing this. And it is for several reasons- the main being that I found my old phone.
I have been told that there was a time that Hemlock and I... well he would have probably said yes if I were to ask him out. That time was a fair while ago, however.
But I can't help but think of what my life would be like now if I had of done something earlier. And finding my phone showed me just how well we got on in those times. There was no awkwardness, nothing stopping us expressing ourselves and our madness, just what was clear to me was a very close bond.
We were just so alike (I'm not sure why I'm talking in past tense as we still are) and I saw completely why I fell head-over-heels in love with him. I think I felt something from him too at that time. But I let the time and the emotions get away from me.
At least I did say something in the end though.
But thanks to saying something, it has knocked my confidence back. I don't feel ready for a relationship, much as I do want one. I can't even hug properly. I fall in love so easily that I'm obsessed with them if they start showing any liking to me at all- which is horrible if they like me as a friend. I guess the reason why I feel awful at the moment in the long run is that I really like Jensen. A lot. We have been texting a bit, too, which makes me very happy due to the 'x's on the end that he put there.
And the fact he starts most of our Facebook chats.
But what I feel bad about is that I am almost certain he likes someone else. I think there may be two of them, and they are both the annoyingly naturally beautiful girls with equally irritatingly bubbly personalities and maddeningly intelligent minds. But I unfortunately think that they are out of his league. If he does like them in that way, then I feel sorry for him- and I don't know whether I should annoyed or sympathetic towards him.
Screw that I've been in that boat often enough. Especially with celebrities but that's another rant.
We have a fair bit in common, as I have discovered in the 2 hours a week that we sit next to each-other. And I can't help but feel sorry for him when he tries to talk to these girls about it and they don't like it (to simplify things, it's Pokemon).
The final thing that is winding me up is my inability to keep a secret. I am fine with other people's secrets (unless I'm asked about them in which case it seems I am physically incapable of lying)- it is just my own. I trust people too much with too much information.
I shouldn't have people telling me that "there's that guy you like" when he is only a few metres away. I feel crap about myself as I know that each time is just a reminder that my love life has been going far from well and I'm not ready to move on.
I never moved on from Hemlock. I just keep running over it in my own head and have no idea why I do it. It doesn't help at all. But it does tell me that at least when I do finally meet someone who likes me back, I will be the happiest person on the planet. Probably. There would still be the whole drama of a relationship to go (which I never understand why people complain about when there are those who haven't even had their feelings reciprocated at all- unless that was their problem in which case they shouldn't be in a relationship at all. Idiots.) and I'm prepared for that. That's the easy bit.
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