Wednesday 12 December 2012
What Is My Life?
I think I've reached one of those low points. I told myself I'd never reach the point. I'm almost ashamed but it's me who had that thought so of course I see the world in the same way so see it as fine. My wrist looked oddly tempting to me during that phase.
I realised whilst I was breaking down at midnight the night before a Maths exam and after a 10 hour Art exam that I haven't cried properly for a while.
During the Art exam I spent so much time with Hemlock and my friends it's unreal. Of course he realised just how mental I actually am and why he doesn't hang out with us that often. But the fact he "rejected" (his words) me was brought up three times. I either laughed or eviled them off, and was amazed I wasn't responding much more dramatically. The first time it was mentioned by him I sat in silence with just wonderfully depressing songs in my head for about an hour. Finally I've cracked. After trying to hold hands with myself in a way that looks convincing I've learned that:
a. I need to get out more
b. I just want somebody to hold my hand
It almost always comes back to love with me. He hugged me today. If I still thought I had a chance I would have melted inside and written an entire blog about what we would name our children and what the bridesmaids will wear. But, unfortunately, I'm not in that mindset so I felt more miserable. I appreciated the gesture, obviously, but I don't like friendly hugs. They remind me too much of what I don't have (which makes no sense).
I have considered going anorexic before- countless times. The feeling normally goes away within a few hours and I'm back to being normal and stuffing my face full of fat and sugar. But I'm getting worried as I've only recently started getting the thoughts about potentially hurting myself. The thing is, I have thought and even dreamed about getting severely injured. This is one of the most disturbing things about me that I can think of at the moment (but I'm sure there are more!). On reflection, I only ever injured myself around other people. I think I crave attention and just want someone I can rely on who's caring for me. I'm not sure if I'm just twisting my own thoughts for my advantage with trying to defend seriously worrying thought, but it would make sense. I've always loved getting the attention.
I recall the thought when I pictured myself self-harming: Jensen or Hemlock seeing it and trying to help me. I really really need to move on. It's not fair on him. Anyway, I'm a bit worried for my own health now. Self-harming is not the way to attract guys.
I've tried psychologists, psychiatrists and GPs galore but there's nothing significantly psychologically wrong with me according to them. I'm so certain there is. I'm not exactly little miss confident around people, I have breakdowns about once a week but often more, I have about 6 friends and that is all and I crave every second with all the wrong people.
I have a pretty crap life at the moment, but according to popular belief, things can only get better.
Yeah, right.
Monday 10 December 2012
Another Joyous Emotion
Hooray I'm all confused again. In all fairness to myself I never stopped being confused, so I suppose now I'm just more confused than normal.
Too much confusion.
Anyway, the reason why I'm feeling this way is that it has been about 6 weeks since I told Hemlock how I felt and he told me how he felt. And I haven't moved on. I think it's difficult as I never really considered him as being just a friend. He doesn't know this (thank goodness) and so I don't think he understands how difficult it is to go back to how you were with them if the only other option you have to go back to is not knowing them. We're good friends now. We trust each-other, but I still crave every second with him and I feel awful for it. I just want to be able to tell myself that we are friends and I am happy with being at that level.
People at school are not being very helpful with the moving-on process. Just a few days ago he sat next to me in a lesson when we had a cover (and of course you sit where you want then). That was after sitting at the other end of the five-seater bench a friend and I were sitting at the end of. I felt slightly insulted. Then two other people came in and he took pity on us and moved down. The wolf-whistles and shouts from the back were ridiculous.
Oh, and then there's the other confusing bit. Of course I now like someone else. Well, that's got to help with the recovery process.
I've known him for almost 5 years and I can't believe I didn't really think of him before. Dear YJ has come up with the nickname "Komputer" (nononononono) but I am going to go for Jensen as he loves cars and it's a bit less... weird.
But I spend about 10 hours with him in the same room, and before it was even more than that. We've gradually started talking more as I sit opposite him in I.T. and have required technical assistance several times. And he has brilliant taste in socks. He started talking properly to me after I looked at his socks and then said
"Those. Socks. Are. AMAZING!!!"
He then came over and talked to me for a few minutes. Inside I was both melting and cursing myself.
I don't actually see him very often. But I know that he is more... excitable... than I am when he talks to people, and still he has gone out with a very pretty and, as I thought at the time, friendly girl.
Rumour has it she was telling people she really wanted to dump him and had she known prior to going out with him about his "mental health problem" she would not have gone out with him.
I feel awful for him.
Thinking back like this reminds me of when we were standing outside a lesson about a year ago. It was a non-uniform day and I wore my usual leggings and t-shirt. But I felt seriously awkward as it was the first time I had consciously felt like I was being "checked out". He was just looking up and down me and I did look at him but I felt so uncomfortable I tried to distract myself talking to a friend. I'm not sure if that was a good "checkin'" or not. I hope it was good (why wouldn't you?) although it was the first time a little thought popped into my head that it is entirely possible for other people to have a crush on me!
A little update since I started writing this blog- I am so unsure where we are. We sat next to each-other in an exam and smiled at the other a few times. That would be normal, had I not been very conscious of the fact he was also staring for several seconds at a time. Several times. I'm not sure if this is just what he does, but I felt so uncomfortable, although it was early in the day so my make-up was almost flawless and hair was not too windswept.
I hope this goes well. I don't want to get hopeful too soon and I hope I'll speak to him sometime.
Too much confusion.
Anyway, the reason why I'm feeling this way is that it has been about 6 weeks since I told Hemlock how I felt and he told me how he felt. And I haven't moved on. I think it's difficult as I never really considered him as being just a friend. He doesn't know this (thank goodness) and so I don't think he understands how difficult it is to go back to how you were with them if the only other option you have to go back to is not knowing them. We're good friends now. We trust each-other, but I still crave every second with him and I feel awful for it. I just want to be able to tell myself that we are friends and I am happy with being at that level.
People at school are not being very helpful with the moving-on process. Just a few days ago he sat next to me in a lesson when we had a cover (and of course you sit where you want then). That was after sitting at the other end of the five-seater bench a friend and I were sitting at the end of. I felt slightly insulted. Then two other people came in and he took pity on us and moved down. The wolf-whistles and shouts from the back were ridiculous.
Oh, and then there's the other confusing bit. Of course I now like someone else. Well, that's got to help with the recovery process.
I've known him for almost 5 years and I can't believe I didn't really think of him before. Dear YJ has come up with the nickname "Komputer" (nononononono) but I am going to go for Jensen as he loves cars and it's a bit less... weird.
But I spend about 10 hours with him in the same room, and before it was even more than that. We've gradually started talking more as I sit opposite him in I.T. and have required technical assistance several times. And he has brilliant taste in socks. He started talking properly to me after I looked at his socks and then said
"Those. Socks. Are. AMAZING!!!"
He then came over and talked to me for a few minutes. Inside I was both melting and cursing myself.
I don't actually see him very often. But I know that he is more... excitable... than I am when he talks to people, and still he has gone out with a very pretty and, as I thought at the time, friendly girl.
Rumour has it she was telling people she really wanted to dump him and had she known prior to going out with him about his "mental health problem" she would not have gone out with him.
I feel awful for him.
Thinking back like this reminds me of when we were standing outside a lesson about a year ago. It was a non-uniform day and I wore my usual leggings and t-shirt. But I felt seriously awkward as it was the first time I had consciously felt like I was being "checked out". He was just looking up and down me and I did look at him but I felt so uncomfortable I tried to distract myself talking to a friend. I'm not sure if that was a good "checkin'" or not. I hope it was good (why wouldn't you?) although it was the first time a little thought popped into my head that it is entirely possible for other people to have a crush on me!
A little update since I started writing this blog- I am so unsure where we are. We sat next to each-other in an exam and smiled at the other a few times. That would be normal, had I not been very conscious of the fact he was also staring for several seconds at a time. Several times. I'm not sure if this is just what he does, but I felt so uncomfortable, although it was early in the day so my make-up was almost flawless and hair was not too windswept.
I hope this goes well. I don't want to get hopeful too soon and I hope I'll speak to him sometime.
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